Wednesday, May 27, 2009

With Enough Crumbs, You Get a Cake's Worth of Crazy

Somebody threw me a crumb yesterday, and I cried, people. CRIED! Tears brimming over my bottom lashes, to be gathered into the absorbent fibers of my sleeve. Why?

(...well, partly because I was alone in my kitchen at the time and knew it was safe...?)

Pathetic!

Because I was given the slightest bit of validation as to my worthiness by a fellow blogger.

Pathetic!

Is this what I've come to? Is this what Good Enough has come to mean?

Settling. You settle. You accept. You lower your standards and your expectations. You take what you can get. You give up hope of better. This is your life now. This is gonna have to be good enough. Accept it. Try to accept it.

And then you cry like a baby when somebody tosses you a crumb of respect, of consideration.

"Maybe I'm better than this?" THAT is my trip wire. And I've been gingerly raising one foot at a time (for fourteen years) and stepping ever so carefully over it and around it, ever cautious, trying hard not to tug on the line, not to trigger the ensuing avalanche of thwarted ambition from firing in my brain and ricocheting off the thousands of nooks and crannies of my gray matter.

So what's the alternative? I have a couple of friends who have insisted on never settling. Now they have less than I do, in terms of what's most important to me. And I feel sorry for them.

I'm in a bad place, people, as you can clearly see.

But I will continue to seek ways to rise above (while struggling mightily with how to implement them without sinking the boat that carries our family, our house, our stability).

OMG...I think I'm about to post, officially, Reason #1 for wanting to go to law school:

Because I want better than what I've got. Because, dammit, I'm better than this.

OMG...does anyone actually come out and SAY IT like that? Is anyone else stupid enough to openly admit their pretentiousness? (insert maniacal laugh here)...on the freakin' INTERNET, no less??!? (Not that I can find...except maybe for No Reins Girl...and she makes it work for her, and I admire the hell out of her for it, too).

Oh, jeebus, mary and joseph, I am a head case.

4 comments:

blognut said...

You are not a head case for wanting more, thinking you deserve more, or going out to get it.

Butterflyfish said...

I Concur with Blognut

Hyphen Mama said...

I, too, think the same things. I AM better than this. I fantasize about going back to school...to be an accountant.

I thought of you for HOURS on Wednesday night... following an "incident" at the playground while we were out of town. I'm trying to decide if I should blog it.

CatrinkaS said...

I love this - that you say it, that you act on it. I, too, harbor vague feelings that i am, possibly, More. But I am still, not yet, doing a thing in the world about it. Well said. Well done. Love.