Saturday, December 27, 2008
About to relieve my cabin fever by taking my daughter and another 8-year-old roller skating. Probaby going to fall on my toosh. Might get a sweat going. It'll feel good to burn off some of the calorie-dense decadence of the past few days.
Here's what got me so desperate to burn an mp3: songs from the Scrooge soundtrack, specifically "I Like Life" and "Thank You Very Much". I've been humming those every Christmas for years. And am very pleased to have passed my passion to my daughter, who was dancing and clapping to them earlier with me. Makes me want to try harder. Be better. Nicer. Happier. I, too, want to drink the Milk of Human Kindness, and pass the cup on to others.
Please, what's the best dvd-to-mp3 ripper out there (for windows)?
I need to figure this out. I've already tried 4 of them (the free ones), and all are less-than-pleasant to deal with. I'm embarrassed to have to ask. But I'm getting annoyed. I've got my visa in my hot little hand, if necessary (in other words, I'm willing to download and "register" a non-free ripper, if necessary...maybe that's the only way to find satisfaction...just don't know which one to take a chance on). Email is fine, if you prefer. The bugger of the thing is that I don't want an entire chapter, I just want one song, in the middle of a chapter.
I'm trying to be clever AND somebody's hero. It's not going so well.
Is Obaba available for a consult?
Monday, December 22, 2008
Is it really bad when you keep muttering "I'll see you in h*** first" under your breath? Other favorites: "F*** you" and "Go to h***".
Where is this so-called Christmas Spirit?
Why does it elude me?
I am dying a slow death at work. That is what this is about. I am bored. I am lazy. I am unmotivated and unfocused. People notice, and I curse at them under my breath. This feels surreal. How can this continue?
I know I am lucky to even have a job. I know I am acting like a spoiled brat. There is so much to be thankful for! But deep down, I feel contemptuous towards my coworkers. I do not really feel much sympathy for our primary purpose as an organization. I don't like this, I don't like that, I think everybody's an idiot or misguided or pathetic or short-sighted. And most of them seem to think and feel the same way about the rest of us. It's like a virus in this place. We are all contemptous of each other. We are all just hanging on until retirement.
It truly feels like I'm watching a horror-movie in slow-motion, except everyday I have to wake up and get to my desk and play my part in it. I'm inside the horror movie, and it's still in slow motion.
What do burnt-out people do (besides blog about it)? Any advice out there?
You know what I think will help? To-do lists. Literally put down at least 2 or 3 things each day that I want to accomplish, and get them done, then go home. Ta da! Maybe that will stop my bad dreams at night.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
This is especially annoying because I was in a really good mood. I didn't even appreciate what a great mood I was in until this thunderclap of hideous anger and pissed-off-ness fell upon me when stupid so-and-so did you-know-what and had all that attitude and whatnot. Now my happy mood has left me and I can barely see it just on the horizon of my moodsphere, drifting happily along with a la-la-la-la-la that I can just ever-so-faintly hear. Stupid people with their stupid being-human-ness. I know what happened. They are miserable sitting in that stupid meeting in that stupid little room listening to each other talking on and on and on stupidly, and fool that I am, I walked in and gave them fresh meat to pick over. We are all victims of this thing called The Workplace. Stupid workplace.
Is it 5 o'clock yet?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Hence my name 'gudnuff'. As the author says, in the last line, "Learn to let things be good enough." Just make sure to step up as soon as they start to get bad enough.
What's that sound? Can you hear it? Is it a chorus of angels singing "Hallelujah!"...? Why yes, I believe that is exactly what I'm hearing.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I am setting up very strict boundaries with certain people, really for the first time in my life, and maintaining them, period. I am civil. I am ever-so-barely polite. Not quite courteous. Definitely not friendly. I'd say I am being tolerant of having to co-exist with them. This is not something I'm used to nor typically comfortable doing. I'm very demonstrable with my emotions, typically. As I've said before, I'm a yeller, and I'm also a hugger. I love to give hugs. But this year, along with losing 50 pounds, I've also restricted my behavior. I'm dieting behaviorally. So, I act with minimalistic civility. I do not indulge in flamboyant expressions of emotion, much as I'd like to. In a similar vein, I do not indulge in overeating as I have a tendency to do. In 2008, I have embraced moderation and shunned regret. Which is the war within - I prefer to outwardly, physically express my anger and disdain and hurt and resentment and distrust and general being pissed-off-ness, but I do not express it. I hold it in check, except for private moments here and there. And I do not eat whatever I want anymore, either. I hold my appetite in check. I skip lunch and chew a lot of gum.
I am growing up. I am also holding at bay my sense of can't-we-all-just-get-along. Because the answer is, no, Virginia, we cannot just get along. We are all very different, with uniquely clashing needs and issues and baggage and none of us can truly be free of our filters. We are human, afterall. And so I have chosen to be human over here, and let them be human over there. Don't call me. Don't talk to me if you can possibly avoid it. I'll do the same. We'll both employ restraint and distance and things will be much more comfortable for everyone that way.
And it has been. Truth be told, things are really good this way. The only regret I feel is regret over the fact that setting strict boundaries does not produce a deep disquiet for me. And yet I feel it should. Say what? Yeah...basically, I'm saying I'm bothered by how comfortable my life is after having cut certain strings. The lack of bad stuff outweighs the good of the fun stuff. The half-full part of this is that I've turned my back on the half-empty parts. The half-empty part is that I can live quite contentedly with the results.
I guess I'm saying that the Whos are as dysfunctional as everybody else, that The Grinch never joyously rides down to them, but instead ends up staying at the top of Mount Crumpet, buys some ear plugs, writes a blog and lives happily ever after.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
So I blog that I've lost 50 pounds, and nobody notices.
.........Well, nobody comments...
...................................(...which is the same thing...)
I'm outting myself as being blog-dependent. This not good. This baaad thing.
But it will not cause me to reach for something chewy tonight (cookies...magic cookies...crumbly chocolatey cookies...mmmm). No it will not. I will just chew my mint gum very deliberately and catch up on my DVR watching. And go to bed early. And NOT check my blog.
And I will weigh myself in the morning and be down a little more and I will smile.
And for a moment, I will not think about my blog.
Everyone's busy. It's all good. I don't need comments to feel happy. I just need gum.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Having enumerated my reasons, and with the visual imprint of my blog post emblazoned on the inside of my eyelids...well...I just had to go through with it.
There were so many people that the crowd spilled out onto the sidewalk, with drinks in their hands, some with silly holiday hats on, everyone with a name tag stuck to them.
I parked around the corner in an inconspicuous spot. I finished putting my makeup on. I called my husband for a last-minute shot-in-the-arm boost of confidence. I needed him to say, "...'atta girl! Go get 'em! You're great!"
Me: Hey...I'm still in the car. I need you to tell me I'll be great and to go in there and it'll be fun and I have nothing to worry about 'cause I rock. You know, go get 'em, you're the best, rah rah, something along those lines.
Me: I suddenly have cold feet and I need you to cheer me on. I hate walking into these things alone. Just tell me I'm awesome or something.
Him: (barely intelligible) you're-awesome-or-something-or-whatever-you-said
Me: yeah, okay, whatever, thanks.
So I hung up and got out of the car and walked around the corner, through the crowd into the event. Signed a bunch of sign-in sheets. Met the executive director. Talked to the main person I wanted to talk to, made sure she knew I had attended. Met another board member, got his business card. Ate and drank nothing. Left early.
One thing I know: events such as that are why the flask was invented. For people like me.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I got invited to an open house for a charitable organization focused on children's needs. Which, as its name implies, does not discriminate. It's an OPEN invitation. And yet, I'm taking it seriously and very much feel honored to be going. Because my social life is so thin, so desperate...basically, my social life is the third Olsen twin.
So, this moment-with-a-skirt-on has come about because I've decided to attend this open house today. Why? As you will see in tomorrow's post, this is not my kind of thing (yes, I'm post-editing my post...always striving to make things goodnuff or even better).
Simply put, I need community service involvement, for a number of reasons.
The first reason is: I'm not really doing anything
(other than sending my daughter to Girl Scouts...they delivered Christmas cards last night to a nursing home...serving by proxy, that's what I'm doing), and I feel guilty about that. I need to do more. Gray's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives just isn't cutting it anymore for me.
Second reason: I need to meet like-minded people, hopefully competenet, driven, impressive people who will help keep me inspired.
I like feeling inspired (such as by the other bloggers that I follow. Love you guys!). And this past year, I've discovered how much I am led by example. I am not proud of this. But it is what it is. So, to stay inspired, I must surround myself with inspirational people. Yes, yes, this plan is doomed from the beginning, because you're not supposed to rely on other human beings for such things because people are inherently flawed and will let you down, blah, blah, blah. Again - it is what it is. I am prepared for this eventuality. I understand that people are flawed. Good lord, look at me, for starters. Yeah, ok. But I say: so what. They are also amazing and inspirational and I choose to see the glass as half-full on this point.
Third reason: ya'll know this was going to come around to thinking about law school in some kinda way...well, yeah, duh...some community service wouldn't hurt me when I finally DO submit an application.
Now, I may never get that far. I make 6 figures. I have time to kill at work. The benefits are outstanding. My boss is a sweetie-pie. Plenty of paid time-off. For instance, I am free to attend this open house at 4pm today. Our work day ends at 5pm. I will not lose any money or use any leave time, either. It's the same as if I'd stayed at my desk 'til 5pm. But in fact, I will be gone from here around 3pm. So, that is a lot to walk away from. And, if my husband never re-enters the workforce again, well, there goes the whole law school plan. So, reason number three is a bit weak.
Fourth reason: It may actually help somebody who needs help.
Fifth reason: It sets a good example for my daughter.
Sixth reason: My husband fully supports the idea and it would please him.
Since I am uncannily skilled in displeasing him (the things I say sometimes! whew! the other day I told him I'd fire him if he were paid help...niiiiiice...), finding something that he supports is always of assistance in keeping our marriage on track. Which we struggle with at times. Marriage is a lot of work. At least, it is for us.
Seventh reason: I don't really have a seventh reason, but I didn't want to end this on a sour note about my marriage. After some thought, a seventh reason would be that I will meet new people and go to new places in town that I've never been to (places I've heard about but have never seen the poverty first-hand), and it will open new doors for me (other service projects?), new sense of awareness, plus give me something new to talk about. It might give me the confidence or strength or whatever to get involved at my daughter's school a little more. Or the sense to stay away.
So, I'm wearing a suit today and feeling kind of significant. I usually feel insignificant, so today I'm pretending that it's the other way around. I want to make a difference. I want it to matter that I got out of bed today. So today, I'm going to the open house in my skirt-suit and pantyhose and pretending that it matters. Because, really, it does.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Kinda poetic, really.
It's especially sweet that hubby is still asleep and the most recent conversation we've had occurred last night when he was insisting that reading other people's blogs about law school was a terrible approach to this whole business and I should stop it and get to studyin' the LSAT and not worry about other people's journeys, experiences, observations, the definition of avulsion, etc. I told him, as I left the room in order to end the conversation, that I didn't want to hear it, but that if he wanted, he could continue sharing his opinions with the cat.
We are both Last Word people.
Ten minutes later, he found me sitting quietly in the rocking chair in our daughter's room, listening to her sleeping sounds, and said (Last Word freak that he is), "I hope you enjoy sharing our anniversary with the cat!"
Don't worry though...I'll pop open a can of green beans to share with him at some point today and it'll all be alright. He's a good guy and I love him. Very much.
Happy Anniversary, sweetie!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Today's discussion is about assertiveness. Basically, is it required of law-types to take initiative? What if you like to keep all options open? What if you just don't have an opinion? That would make for an ineffective lawyer, wouldn't it?
Can law school teach you to be more assertive? Is it something that happens by default as you traverse the stressful, competitive waters of a legal education?
I mean, look at Proto Attorney. She is being heroically assertive. But did law school drive her to such bravery, or was she always like that?
What happens to those who didn't start out like that? Are those the ones who drop out?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I have done several all-nighters for my career, but always alone. I had company with me once, because my husband had to bring my then-infant daughter to me at 3 o'clock in the morning in the server room so I could breast feed her while I was reconfiguring the networking equipment's physical connections. That was totally hawt. Nawt.
I don't mind the long hours, the working late, the running home for dinner and night-night, then going back to work (at least, I didn't mind it 8 years ago). But I do mind it when I'm doing it alone, and the evening is spent verifying that the backup tapes have been successfully logged, cleaned, archived, reset, or waiting for downloads to finish and machines to reboot. Or even when I'm drafting a Best Practices how-to for the client's executive team in language they may - but probably won't - bother to read.
I am so over it.
I'm sick of giving hours of my life, in the quiet belly of the middle of the night, to a bunch of stupid, inanimate, pain in the patoot machines that somebody else built and designed. I'm tired of proving a woman can be just as hard-core, can work in heels and a skirt with a screwdriver* in one hand and a bunch of cables in the other.
I want my long hours to include "a bunch of other brilliant people" instead...I want that.
* a metal one - not the fun, liquid kind
Monday, November 24, 2008
Update on Elvis: at the sleepover, I polled the mothers of the other 8-year-olds to see if they had educated THEIR daughters about pop culture icons from the 50's, and they all acted like that was a stupid question. Then it turned out that they were just ASSUMING that their kids knew who Elvis was, because, c'mon, who doesn't know who Elvis is?
Long story short, my daughter will be spending part of Thanksgiving break watching Blue Hawaii or whatever else constitutes a proper education in Elvis-ology.
I'm taking votes: please vote for which Elvis movie I should make my daughter watch...I mean...share with my daughter.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
This is for the mommies out there. And the nerds. Those nerds who managed to procreate. I'm one of ya'll, so I know what I'm talking about.
Anyone who is a mommy knows what it's like to be a girl. Even the pregnant man. Girls are often not nice - not to each other, anyway. Do you know what happens after these girls grow up, after 20 years have passed by? They are still girls, often not nice to each other, only now they're in their 30's and chaperoning field trips.
Friday night I slept on the floor in a public building. My daughter's Brownie Troop was locked in for the night. There were about 10 girls and 6 adult-girls (aka mommies) from our troop, plus an additional twenty-seven bodies from two other unrelated and unknown Brownie Troops. We were all stretched out on sleeping bags, some nestled atop queen-sized air mattresses, others with nothing to soften the crunching of bone-on-stone full-body contact.
Did you know little girls snore?
This was my first field trip with this group. I really like the leader of this troop and feel lucky that we were invited to join. Many of you have yet to experience the problem of finding the right group for your child to join. It can produce a lot of problems in a lot of ways if you end up in a group that's not a good fit. But heckuva lot of good material for posting! Oh, the drama. Oh, the angst. And the one-liners as you turn on your heel and walk away. Not that...ahem...I've ever had to do that...
You know why I like this leader? Because SHE DOES NOT YELL. I, on the otherhand, yell quite often. Just in case you couldn't figure that out for yourself. Yep, I'm a yeller. Although I've made great progress (huge!) in curbing that inclination. But being around other yellers does not help me or help the situation. Being around quiet people who know how to keep control of a bunch of 8-year-old girls without using a coach's whistle: priceless.
This trip included the 2 leaders, both of whom I like and both of whom are quiet and probably not so high on the "cool" scale or on the "in crowd" list, then there's me (ditto except for the quiet part), and then three other mommies. Not ditto for them. Their "cool" rating might be mid-range, their "in crowd" rating also somewhere around a 7 or 8 out of 10. Yeah, yeah it all depends on who and where...context is everything...they may have been total losers at YOUR school. Exactly my point: out of the 6 adults that were part of this group at this event, these three mommies were the cool "in" crowd. First, because they were already friends. That's the biggest factor. Second, because they are all fairly hip and very tongue-in-cheek about everything. You know where that left me? Dependent upon their generosity of spirit. The two leaders automatically fell into the leader category together and worked as a team, the three friends had their little clique, and then there was me. This is a situation I find myself in over and over again. I guess that means I never get my friends to join the same groups with me. I'm really going to work on that.
The event was uneventful as far as interpersonal drama goes. Which is a big stinking victory. The girls all had a good time. Nobody cried (scouts or parents). Nobody tossed out any zingers. The "in" crowd was gracious enough, not too many inside jokes or overly obvious whispering, etc. (Yes, such behavior is not uncommon on trips like this, especially when everyone is sleep-deprived.) My favorite leader's feelings were hurt, I think, when the cool mommies played with their phones, updating their facebook pages, during the lecture part. As we were getting ready to pull out of the parking lot the next day, the leader made a point of thanking me for coming, saying that she thought I was the only one who enjoyed that part. But of course I enjoyed the lecture/learning part! I'm a nerd! I'm still reviewing the facts the guy went over so they'll stay in long-term memory. I want to know those nerdy little facts. It's cool to know them.
Unless you're a cool "in" crowd mommy. Then, not so much.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
"I had to buy a birthday gift for one of my daughter’s classmates last weekend. As is typical, I asked my daughter what her friend liked, such as Barbies or whatever, and we concluded that a cd would be a big hit - all these elementary school kids have ipods, etc. The birthday party had a 50’s theme, believe it or not, which is very strange when these kids were born in 1999 or 2000. Anyway, I figured, well, it’s a 50’s theme…so I got her an Elvis cd of his #1 hits. My daughter has never heard of Elvis, so she was strongly disapproving of this choice. She wanted me to get the High School Mucical 3 cd (I actually bought both…at Sam’s Club…a bit cheaper). Anyway, the girl LOVED the Elvis cd. So should I conclude that my daughter’s musical/cultural development is being stunted because we haven’t thrust the music of by-gone eras upon her? Or is it just Abby Normal for an 8-year-old to host a 50’s-themed party and love Elvis?"
and his eloquent, perfectly articulated response, the shining gem of which is quoted below:
"...maybe what this suggests is there is no normal anymore. There are so many media outlets and so many choices that the idea of some sort of monoculture for each generation, something “we” (people of a certain age) all share, is breaking down."
He said it best. That is EXACTLY the impression I've been getting.
Although, one must be willing to acknowledge the ubiquity of the Disney Channel and its influence on today's American youth, perhaps even international youth (if anybody can attest to what other kids in other countries are watching, I'm very interested to hear it). So, while the Millennium Babies such as my daughter (High School Class of 2018) may or may not know who Elvis is or who the Beatles are (and whether they SHOULD know is a very relevant tangential point to the discussion here), they SURE DO KNOW who Hannah Montana is and who the Jonas Brothers are. So there is a bit of cultural/generational identity happening there, I'm willing to bet. I'm saying there's a Disney Channel generation brewing right under our noses. But please don't hold back if you disagree with me on that point.
Regarding cultural uniformity: Three of us (in our thirties and forties) were talking today at work and I referenced Chewie/Chewbaka (sp?) from Star Wars, and 1 of the 3 of us did not get the reference because, she openly and unashamedly disclosed, SHE HAD NEVER SEEN STAR WARS. And I don't have to ask if I'm the only one who thinks that's bizarre because the 2 of us who weren't living under a rock all our lives and HAVE seen the film were literally shocked into silence with the big, wide-open eyes expression, staring at each other like she'd just admitted some preposterous thing. Like we thought we knew her. Like we thought she was one of us. But now we knew the truth. I mean, ya think you know somebody, and then they tell you something like that. Talk about not normal!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
He wants to know how I'm going to make the mortgage and the 2 car loans and the cost of food and the school-supplies-for-the-kiddo requirements magically disappear while I'm enjoying my midlife crisis in law school.
I was struck last night by a thought, a moment of hope and inspiration. To wit: What about Policies and Procedures? What about "Contracts"? These are seemingly things that I could get truly excited about. If only I knew how they translate into a real-life job! I am seeking information about this. I will post more specific questions (and email my questions) later, because work is actually needing me to pay attention to it now.
Why Contracts/Policies-n-Procedures: I know the local law school has a course entitled "Contracts" that is required for 1L's. I bet all law schools do. I always enjoy knowing there are rules, or wanting to establish policies/procedures/rules if there aren't any, and so...and so...and so wouldn't it be cool if that were my JOB? I wonder if that means employment law would interest me. I wish I knew more!!! Or business law? Crap. Someone help me. Tell me what to read. Fine. I'll find it without your help, you invisible-reader-that-doesn't-really-exist. I'm like a one-act play, performing in front of an empty theater.
Point of this post: my whole law school should-I-or-shouldn't-I quandary MUST BE PREDICATED ON the final outcome: working as a lawyer. And so, like all goal-oriented people, I will focus on the end, in order to decide if there will be a beginning.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
[Crowded room, smoke hanging in the air from all the cigarettes hanging from the corner of each person's mouth, every metal folding chair occupied, room responds, "Hi gudnuff!"]
How many of you have blown off a committment in order to play around with your blog template?
@#$#@R%$! I said, "I'm going to embrace the networking opportunities inherent in the world of IT. I'm going to a user group meeting tonight."
Well, the darn thing started an hour ago, and yet here I sit.
I'm just gonna go home and tell my husband it was cancelled for lack of attendance. "I can't believe I drove ALL the way over there! What a pain! Plus it's freezing outside." Are you buying it?
So, hey...do you like the new template?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
As someone completely outside the field of law, I can only say that working long hours goes into being a success in any field. Why do people get so crazy angry about that part? I work as part of a team, and the one guy on the team (not me) who answers his phone WHENEVER it rings, nights, weekends, in the middle of the airport, or even in the middle of a meeting, is the guy that everybody wants working for them. He is the #1 choice. Why? Because he has no kids and his ego depends entirely on feeling like everyone's hero, so he makes himself available 7 days a week, and guess what? He is everyone's hero. It's not rocket science. You work hard, it shows. I don't work as hard as him, but I have a family and other committments and people call me only if Guy #1 is unavailable (which occasionally happens), and they hope I'll work magic like him, and sometimes I do, but really, he is the one they want. And that hurts a little, but at the same time, so what. I get what I deserve, including family time, and he gets what he deserves, including the admiration and respect of his peers.
What’s the best advice you ever received as an associate?
A partner I worked for years ago gave me a private pep talk once. I was just starting my second year and had billed something like 2600 hours my first year. I was feeling overwrought, and it showed. The partner handed me a thick case file and said, “Barry, there are two kinds of people in this world—those who get it done, and those with perfectly reasonable excuses for not getting it done. Which one do you want to be?”
And I ask you, gentle reader (of which I have none): What the ??? Sorry, guess he's just so incredibly intelligent that the "advice" he received was trivially obvious to him. Could someone explain it to *me*, though? Was the advice to slow down and allow himself to have reasonable excuses for billing less than 2600 hours? Or was it to suck it up and keep being the type of person who gets it done, despite being overwrought? Eh? Anyone?
Yeah, OK, yes, I should have continued reading. He speaks very plainly and directly when answering another question a little further down:
Q: What makes an associate a superstar?
A: ...a superstar associate almost never offers a “perfectly reasonable excuse” for declining work. He or she just “gets it done.”
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Nim's Island: OK, the metaphor of an island is like, duh, totally blatant, but the point FOR ME TODAY is that for years and years now (yes, I'm that old) the part of my brain that would anaylize a mainstream media movie - you know, one that is released into your local theater, one that is intended for the masses to flock to (as opposed to something on the Sundance channel or IFC, which we don't get anymore since MOH - My Other Half - quit his job and we just don't have the money...sigh) - I just don't think about them beyond whether I liked the storyline and whether I liked the actors' performances. I keep it simple. Mentally, that is. I view. I walk away. I replay, perhaps, the pretty pictures. That's about it.
So I'm driving home from work yesterday, and suddenly Nim's Island pops into my brain because of this whole blog-wanna-be-a-lawyer thing and why I'm so motivated, sort of. And I realize, part of what's going on here, is that I see the sense of community that exists among the lawyers here. And of course, I am seeing this community because I've been hanging around my-local-shero (henceforth MLS). Helping on her campaign. Watching her interact. Seeing ALL THE PEOPLE. And I am aware of my desire to reach out, to belong, to be included. And BING! the whole Nim's Island thing jumps into my brain. And so I'm all impressed with the fact that it's the WRITER who lives on an island, an island of isolation. Yeah, I know. DUH. So I'm both impressed with the fact that this is where my brain goes in the middle of the evening commute, for no good reason, so I'm kinda proud of my brain for that. And of course, instantly embarrassed that this is some kind of intellectual revelation to me, what, like a year or more after seeing the film? So I'm smart and not-so-quick, both, in the very same instant. And aware that it's my own feelings of isolation that even gave the come-hither signal to this revelatory Nim's Island analysis. All of this while driving home. I'm typically thinking of what to buy for dinner, and how to pay for it.
You know which emotion wins out, a day later? There's a close competition between feeling embarrassed and feeling impressed. Two things embarrass me about this. One: that I didn't consciously consider this who's-on-an-island-really metaphor immediately upon watching the film. Two: it's embarrassing that I'm proud that my brain spontaneously did this while driving home from work. And really only one thing impresses me: that my brain spontaneously did this while driving home from work.
So, you'd think embarrassment would be the prevailing sentiment? Nah. It's right there at the top, but really, mostly, the evidence that I am not completely brain-dead is so compelling, so necessary to my sense of worth right now, that pride wins. It's not pride per se, so much as a pleasurable acknowledgement that, again, I'm not completely brain-dead. Which is important when you're thinking of studying for the LSAT.
A decade ago I wouldn't have been concerned about this. Am I the only one who is clutching at any evidence of neuron activity? Is there anyone else out there who is thinking of a second career, who is wondering if they are too old mentally to hack it?
Friday, November 14, 2008
I have CM to thank. Two lawyers, of all possible incentives, have reached my suppressed ambitions and jostled my creative embers. Anyway, I can't believe I'm here, but here I am. Would Prufrock be proud or chagrined? Whatever. I'm here.
I want to sing the praises of CM and my-other-local-shero. They have both shown that you can be human and be a lawyer. And each is a mommy, so there's that little morsel of awesomeness. Today the glass is half-full.
from: http://www.litkicks.com/Prufrock/ The inevitable call of civilization and its demands brings him back: “human voices wake us and we drown.” He may have well said: “I had to shit and realized I am not a God.”